Thursday Feb. 7th AIM: Fisher/Cissy

cissysaidso: So.... what's going on?
hearitbleed: With?
cissysaidso: James? And I assume you, since he's a freaking disaster.
hearitbleed: Oh.
hearitbleed: I let him go
cissysaidso: Why?
hearitbleed: Because it makes life easier. And I don't need a lecture.
cissysaidso: Easier isn't always better, Fisher.
hearitbleed: Lecture = no.
cissysaidso: Lecture = deal with it because you're both my friend and while I understand your urge to ruin your life, because I pretty much do the same exact thing, it's not cool for you to destroy him!
hearitbleed: I'm not doing anything to him. Except stringing him along until I figure out my fucking pathetic life. And now he has a kid to drag through this shit, and it's pointless.
cissysaidso: Because he has a kid? He loves you, Fisher. That boy would go to the ends of the earth for you and now you have him all talking about how he can't be gay anymore and just... out of his fucking head!
hearitbleed: ......what?
hearitbleed: He can't be gay anymore because of me, how the hell does that work?
cissysaidso: I don't know!
cissysaidso: But that's what he said before he proceeded to feel me up and try to kiss me and I had to slap some sense into him!
hearitbleed: .........what?
cissysaidso: That's what I said! And then when I tried to talk to him, he ran off and... You really fucked up, Fisher. Just so you know.
hearitbleed: Color me suprised. He'll get over it.
cissysaidso: Just... don't be like me, okay? I mean you fucked up, but you could probably still fix it if you want to.
hearitbleed: Cissy you want to know the truth? What I can''t tell James?
cissysaidso: Okay.
hearitbleed: I hate kids. I don't dislike them, I HATE them. And I hate this whole "Devon" thing. I can't be someone's dad, Cis. And spending forever with James means having a kid I can't handle.
cissysaidso: He's Devon's dad, Fisher, not you. And he's not asking you to be his father is he?
cissysaidso: But yeah, okay, if that's how you feel, maybe you did the right thing. I could never be with someone that couldn't accept my daughter and I'm sure he probably feels the same way.
hearitbleed: He'd be a shitty father if he didn't. And he's not. He's a great dad.
cissysaidso: Why do you hate kids?
hearitbleed: They're gross and annoying and mean and needy and fucking irritating
cissysaidso: Some of them, but not all of them. Devon's a really good kid.
cissysaidso: Have you even tried?
hearitbleed: No.
cissysaidso: Why not?
hearitbleed: Why does everyone think being exposed to a kid will make me like them more? Devon makes me totally uncomfortable
cissysaidso: I just think that the two of you deserve more than this defeatest attitude.
hearitbleed: Cissy... if I stay with him it's the whole deal- family, love, forever. I don't want any of that. Well, maybe forever, but definitely not a family.
cissysaidso: And what do you think James would be even if it were just the two of you? Family, dumbass.
hearitbleed: But no kid
hearitbleed: I'm not made for parenthood, and I don't want it
cissysaidso: Well, I think you're just a coward.
hearitbleed: Of course you do. You think that I should stay with James and learn to love his kid and we'll all be fucking happy together.
cissysaidso: I think that's a possibility, but nothing's definite.
hearitbleed: It's not. Not everyone likes kids, Cis. That's all there is to it. If Devon had been around in Halcyon I wouldn't have even noticed James. Yeah it's shallow and stupid and selfish but... whatever. That's how it is.
cissysaidso: Yeah, shallow, stupid, and selfish. And he deserves better. YOU deserve better. Just... think about it, okay? Please?
hearitbleed: Stop it. Just stop.
cissysaidso: No, I'm not gonna just stop.
cissysaidso: You're a fuck up, just like me, but that doesn't mean that we don't deserve to be happy!
hearitbleed: What do I deserve better than, Cis? Answer me that? I deserve better then a man who has done nothing but... everything for me?
cissysaidso: No, you deserve better than telling yourself that you shouldn't have family and future and forever.
hearitbleed: I don't WANT a family.
cissysaidso: Then what do you want?
hearitbleed: I wanted a man. And he's not the same man he used to be, and...
cissysaidso: He's still the same man he's always been, Fisher. And he always will be. The fact that he's a father doesn't change that.
hearitbleed: No. He's not the same. Sometimes I see him, I don't even recognize him. It's not a bad thing, he's become so much happier and looser and... I dunno, just less hard. And that's great for him.
cissysaidso: So... because he's becoming a better man, you're tossing him aside?
hearitbleed: I'm letting him go.
cissysaidso: It's not letting go when the other person isn't asking to be let go.
hearitbleed: Because he's fucking stupid.
cissysaidso: Because he knows what he wants!
hearitbleed: No, he's not! He wants me. What the fuck does he expect will happen? It's never going to change, I'm never going to stop being what I am right fucking now. Am I supposed to be that guy he's always waiting for, the one who avoids his kid and stares at him funny over breakfast?
cissysaidso: Maybe. You were flawed when he fell in love with you, Fisher.
hearitbleed: If you knew you were going to ruin somenoe's life, and never make them happy like they deserve, what would you do?
cissysaidso: I probably wouldn't care. I never have.
hearitbleed: But what if you did care?
hearitbleed: You know exactly what you'd do.
cissysaidso: It's not easy. Saying it's easier is bullshit, Fisher, because it's not easier at all.
hearitbleed: You would do the same fucking thing. And you know it. You really think letting him go is easy? It's not. But it's a hell of a lot easier than breaking his heart every single day.
cissysaidso: I dunno about that.
cissysaidso: I've been trying to convince myself of that every single day and yet, here I am, still just... I dunno.
hearitbleed: Are they better off?
cissysaidso: I dunno. I'm not him.
hearitbleed: Do you think so?
cissysaidso: Yes, but no.
hearitbleed: Like I said. He'll get over it.
cissysaidso: How do you know?
hearitbleed: Because he can do better. And he will. And time heals everything.
cissysaidso: Bullshit. Bullshit. And more bullshit.
hearitbleed: Don't. Don't fucking do this.
cissysaidso: No matter who he meets, they're never going to be you.
hearitbleed: I'm not the best thing to ever happen to him. He'll move on, look back on me and... either be really happy or really sad.
cissysaidso: Point is, he'll always look back. And so will you.
hearitbleed: I look back on every man I've ever loved. What's your point.
cissysaidso: God, just forget it.
hearitbleed: That was the plan
cissysaidso: Good luck with that.
hearitbleed: If you don't want to talk to me anymore that's fine. I understand
cissysaidso: Actually, I was going to ask if you'd take me to the dance next weekend. If you don't already have a date.
hearitbleed: ......
hearitbleed: um. Okay.
cissysaidso: I don't wanna go alone. And if I'm going with you, then I won't decide to ask Simon to take me.
cissysaidso: And I know you won't try to get in my pants.
hearitbleed: Don't expect me to dance
cissysaidso: I'll give you a pass on dancing as long as you bring me punch.
hearitbleed: Can do. I'll even look somewhat nice
cissysaidso: Well of course you will if you're going to be on my arm.
hearitbleed: Yeah. I make a good trophy wife.
cissysaidso: Black, white, and red. Those are our colors. I have the cutest dress already.
cissysaidso: It's black at the bottom and white on top with a wide red satin belt like thing in the middle, so it hides the baby bump and accentuates my HUGE breasts. lol
hearitbleed: First, ew. Second... we have to dress like a couple?
cissysaidso: Of course!
cissysaidso: What's so ew about the dress?
hearitbleed: Not the dress.
cissysaidso: Oh! The boobs, huh?
hearitbleed: Yeah. Could do with less description of those please
cissysaidso: my boobs are awesome. you're just jealous cause you don't have any.
hearitbleed: What the hell would a gay man do with boobs?
cissysaidso: I don't know.
cissysaidso: But it's cute and I wanna look cute. And I wanna have fun. I haven't had fun in a long time.
hearitbleed: Okay. I can try and accomodate that
hearitbleed: And I will tel you how pretty you are
cissysaidso: And kiss me goodnight?
hearitbleed: On the forehead maybe
cissysaidso: Sounds nice.
cissysaidso: I'm pregnant, right? So I am supposed to be all hormonal and sex crazed and like... the thought of sex with pretty much anyone makes me feel sick to my stomach.
hearitbleed: I am glad I'm safe then.
cissysaidso: You've always been safe.
hearitbleed: Thank God. Sex with women does not live up to the hype
cissysaidso: And how would you know?
hearitbleed: There was a girl lately
cissysaidso: Really? Who?
hearitbleed: None o' yo dam biznuz!
cissysaidso: Well whatever. I don't really care.
cissysaidso: I'm gonna go eat. Talk to you later?
hearitbleed: Okay.