Thursday Feb. 7th AIM: James/Fisher

jamesownsit: You quit?
hearitbleed: Yes
jamesownsit: Something specific?
hearitbleed: Nothing pertinent
jamesownsit: I'm not convinced
hearitbleed: It's really not as bad as people seem to think. Nox thinks I might be using again
jamesownsit: Are you?
hearitbleed: I feel like I should be offended you're even asking, but it's really a legitimate question
hearitbleed: And no
jamesownsit: So what's going on then?
hearitbleed: I don't really know if this is something I can talk about with you
jamesownsit: You used to talk to me about everything.
hearitbleed: It's about another guy. You really want to hear about that?
jamesownsit: Ah.
hearitbleed: I'm ok, though. I promise. I'm not damaging myself or doing anything stupid or anything. I just feel terrible.
jamesownsit: What happened?
hearitbleed: Without going into detail, things got misinterpreted and I hurt someone's feelings. Badly.
jamesownsit: Shit happens.
hearitbleed: Yeah. But it's a lot of the same shit that keeps happening. So I quit.
jamesownsit: Sorry if I can't really care about his feelings.
hearitbleed: Just forget about it.
jamesownsit: But I do hate that you feel bad.
hearitbleed: How's Devon?
jamesownsit: He's fine. Quiet the past few days though. I'm not really sure what's going on with that.
hearitbleed: Maybe he misses Minerva
jamesownsit: Maybe. He slept like the dead after you two left that night.
hearitbleed: Wish I could say the same for the cat
jamesownsit: hahaha
jamesownsit: Maybe I should get him a kitten. It might be a good idea. I hear him talking in his room a lot. I think maybe he has an invisible friend and just doesn't want to tell me about it..
hearitbleed: Yeah I used to have invisible friends too
jamesownsit: Yeah, but yours weren't really invisible.
hearitbleed: They were to my parents
hearitbleed: But they didn't worry until I was 13, so you souldn't either
jamesownsit: You don't think that his might be... not really invisible either, do you?
hearitbleed: I think you're being paranoid. You have any mediums in your family?
jamesownsit: Not in my family, no. But I don't know anything about hers.
hearitbleed: Good point. Still, it's really unlikely
jamesownsit: Maybe you could talk to him.
hearitbleed: ...what would I say?
jamesownsit: I have no idea. Maybe.. whatever it is you would have wanted to hear when you were that age?
hearitbleed: Um.
hearitbleed: When I was his age I didn't know anything was wrong.
hearitbleed: Tell you what, I'll send Jack to go talk to him.
jamesownsit: Or to see if she can, at least.
hearitbleed: Well she can talk to him all she wants, he just won't answer back
jamesownsit: You know what I mean
hearitbleed: He's probably just lonely. How many kids does he play with? We don't have that many here, and most of them are younger than him
jamesownsit: It'
jamesownsit: d still be good to know though, right?
hearitbleed: God you're such a dad
jamesownsit: And that's a bad thing?
hearitbleed: I guess not
jamesownsit: I just don't want to be anything like my father.
hearitbleed: You're already not since you decided to keep him
jamesownsit: My father would have done the same just because he was blood.
hearitbleed: Would he have been happy about it?
jamesownsit: Probably not.
jamesownsit: Then again, neither was I at first.
hearitbleed: So why'd you do it?
jamesownsit: Because it was my responsibility.
hearitbleed: I guess
jamesownsit: What are you feeling?
hearitbleed: That is a seriously odd question, especially from you
jamesownsit: What's so odd about it?
hearitbleed: It's just weird
jamesownsit: Only because I usually don't have to ask.
hearitbleed: Fair enough. What am I feeling about what?
jamesownsit: In general? About Devon? About everything...
hearitbleed: The truth, or what'll make things easier?
jamesownsit: Have I ever asked for anything to be easy?
hearitbleed: Ok. I feel like I'm getting left behind. You've got the kid and the family and you're getting your head together and Im' still stuck where I was. And I don't know if I can ever fit into the life you have now.
jamesownsit: So let me ask you a question then. Where am I?
hearitbleed: With Devon
hearitbleed: And that's always where you'll be from now on
jamesownsit: Okay, yeah, I'm with Devon and Devon will be where I am, not the other way around, so where are we? Devon and I?
hearitbleed: In the family dorms. Where families go.
jamesownsit: Here. We're here. And we don't have to be here, but we are here, Fisher.
hearitbleed: But that's the point. You don't have to be. You shouldn't be.
jamesownsit: And why I shouldn't I be here?
hearitbleed: Because this place is like college. You only stay here to avoid real life. But you have a real life already
jamesownsit: Okay. But there's at least two reasons why I should be here.
jamesownsit: Or, okay, one reason why I should be and one reason why I am.
hearitbleed: Why should you be here?
jamesownsit: I should be here because Raquel is here and she's asked me not to take off and leave her again. And I am here because you're here, and while I promised not to leave you, it's not the fear of breaking a promise that keeps me here.
hearitbleed: I don't think I want to know what keeps you here
jamesownsit: Why not?
hearitbleed: Because. If it's because of me I'm going to feel like the worst person alive. And if it's not because of me I'm going to be jealous even though I won't admit it.
jamesownsit: Why would you feel like the worst person alive?
hearitbleed: Because if you were here for me and I'm... I'm not.... I don't treat you very well, James.
jamesownsit: You're just trying to figure things out, Fisher. We all have to do that sometimes.
hearitbleed: Not you. You never treated me like this. You've always been patient and perfect and understanding and sweet and way, way more then I deserve
jamesownsit: And I slept with Lloyd.
jamesownsit: You seem to forget that little piece of information.
hearitbleed: Yeah, well I slept with Rez. After getting high. You did it spontaneously, I planned it. Not the sex but I had a feeling something would happen.
hearitbleed: Oh yeah, and I've slept with lloyd too. So.
jamesownsit: So neither of us are perfect.
hearitbleed: There's a difference between "not perfect" and "fatally flawed"
jamesownsit: You're not fatally flawed, Fisher.
hearitbleed: I know, I meant you.
jamesownsit: Wow. Ouch.
hearitbleed: I'm kidding. You're barely flawed.
jamesownsit: I doubt Natalia would agree with that.
hearitbleed: You're not perfect. But you're not too bad off.
jamesownsit: And neither are you.
hearitbleed: James.... what do you want to happen between you and me? I mean ideally
jamesownsit: Ideally? You can be my trophy wife while I go on to become President of the United States.
hearitbleed: Ideally in reality
hearitbleed: Tho I'd be prettier than Hillary Clinton
jamesownsit: Much prettier
jamesownsit: As for reality, I don't have the slightest idea.
hearitbleed: I don't either.
jamesownsit: Look, I don't know what I expect or even want the future to be like, but I do know that I want you in it.
hearitbleed: You know I don't want children.
jamesownsit: So because I have a child, that's it?
hearitbleed: No. Not exactly. But... I dunno. It's hard to picture a future with you because of it. Because the life you have set is exactly not what I wanted.
jamesownsit: So then I guess you have to ask yourself which is harder to picture, a future with me or without.
hearitbleed: You don't wanna know the answer to that.
jamesownsit: I think I deserve to know the answer to that.
hearitbleed: I don't think I will ever be able to live the life of you me and Devon, at least not happily. I don't know, though. And while I don't want a future without you, it would make your life easier and I could do it. I could make myself give you up forever. I don't know if I could make myself someone's parent.
jamesownsit: Then do it, if you're so certain that you can.
hearitbleed: Okay.
jamesownsit: [sign off]