InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Live long and prosper"

Fisher Majors (hearitbleed) wrote,
@ 2009-10-17 14:09:00

Friday 1/2/08

I thought you should know I'm alive. How are you? I really hope you're okay. Everyone else is doing really shitty so far.

~Fisher

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jamesownsit
2009-10-18 07:09 am UTC (link)

I'm fine if you don't count the fact that my former lovers decided to sleep together while one of them didn't remember me and then one of them decided to attempt to off themselves while the other apparently decided to forget that I exist for several days after recovering his memory but has probably made more than enough time for this insufferable jackass who wears more glitter than Tinkerbell and for some odd fucking reason enjoys harassing the shit out of me perhaps as some sort of revenge for apparently treating the aforementioned former lover like shit all the time which makes me quite curious as to where he got that idea.

So yes, aside from all of that, I'm fine. I can't imagine why I'd be any other way.

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hearitbleed
2009-10-18 01:31 pm UTC (link)

I didn't exactly see you searching for me to make sure I was fine, fuck you very much. Email goes both ways.

You wanna know why I've been hiding from you and talking to Will? Because he took me through withdrawal. Because he spent three days with me in some random apartment waiting for me to get sober, even though I didn't remember who he was and I hated him the entire time. And I was so fucking angry with myself and embarassed that I had started using again that I didn't want you to see me. So, thanks for making me feel worse about that, I guess.

I never tell anyone you treat me like shit. I tell everyone you're too good for me. Forget it, though, it doesn't fucking matter. I'm really sorry I slept with Lloyd when I didn't remember who he was and I thought he was paying me for sex (unlike you, who just fucked him again because you wanted to). And I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in a few days because I've been riding out the shakes and insomnia of withdrawal.

Even Cissy emailed me, asking if I was ok. So unless you're too mad to talk to me, fuck you. And if you are too mad to talk to me, fuck you again.

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jamesownsit
2009-10-18 03:16 pm UTC (link)

I miss you. And I'm so tired of pretending to give a shit that we may or may not be good for one another and that I actually feel like taking a break is a good idea, because I don't.

And yeah, okay, I slept with Lloyd again before I remembered you, before I met you again. But then once I met you, that was it. I didn't remember you, but all I did was think about you. And that was why, instead of fucking this really attractive man I met at the club the night I went out with Will, I ended up punching him in the face for his inability to take "no" for an answer. But it didn't feel right, nothing does anymore, so what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

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hearitbleed
2009-10-18 06:50 pm UTC (link)

What are you supposed to do with that? You're supposed to take care of your son. You're supposed to take a step back and think about this new life you've got going on, how it works. You're a single dad now. You're gay. You need to work out how to live that life now.

I spoke to Lloyd today (I know you don't want to hear that), and he suggested that I try to figure out other aspects of my life before I worry about relationships. And maybe that's what you should do too. James, I'm not going anywhere. For at least another year and a half you know exactly where I'm gonna be. I will always be here if you need me.

We're taking a break because we're messed up men, not because we don't love each other. Figure out your shit, James, and I'll figure out mine. Let's see what goes from there.

I love you, always.
Fisher

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jamesownsit
2009-10-19 02:08 am UTC (link)

I do take care of my son. I am learning how to live that life. That's all I've been doing before this happened and that's all I've been doing since this happened. But I see no reason why I have to do that without you.

Fuck Lloyd. The day he knows what the hell he's talking about will be the day that I cry over my father's death.

I've already figured my shit out.

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	hearitbleed 2009-10-19 02:13 am UTC (link)
	Well I haven't figured my shit out. And your hostility is pissing me off. I like Lloyd, and you're the one hung up on him so obviously you like him too. You have to do it without me because right now I can't handle you. And if you can't deal with that, if it pisses you off too much and you can't understand it, then... then I don't know what to tell you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

jamesownsit
2009-10-19 02:18 am UTC (link)

Yeah, okay, so I was hung up on him, the operative word there being was. That sort of fizzled out right around the time that I got back my memory and came to the realization that he took complete and total advantage of the fact that I didn't remember anything. In my book, that makes him a pretty damn unlikeable person.

I'm sorry if I'm too much for you to handle.

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	hearitbleed 2009-10-19 02:42 am UTC (link)
	What the hell am I supposed to say to that? I don't know what to think about this. So here's what I'm doing. I'm not going to be with anyone. Not you, not anyone else that comes along. I'm gonna learn how to say no to my impulses. You do whatever you like. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	jamesownsit 2009-10-19 04:29 pm UTC (link)
	Fine. (Reply to this) (Parent)